I wrote this as a reply to Adelaide Dupont in my previous blog post, ‘Being Genuine, Honest and Dedicated can lead you to trauma’, https://bit.ly/2Ufv9S5. I decided, instead of replying to it directly, I would include it as a separate blog post in itself.
Relating the previous blog post to current events
When it comes to platitudes and sayings, I feel that people tend to read and acknowledge them in different ways, if at all. It all depends on what people really think about what they may or may not mean to them. I feel they are all in the eyes of the beholder, but at the same time, as I said, they have a danger to mean something completely contradictory as well. Also, as I said, psychological mind games could also have something to do with certain sayings as well. The world out there is not as straightforward as some people might choose to believe. There is too much corruption out there, and there are too many ways that words can be used, and indeed, twisted because of it. When you think about it, we’re all in danger one way or another. For example, take this recent Coronavirus. People can be a lot more vulnerable to the chosen word or two, especially when it comes from more official circles, such as, from parliamentary circles, the television news networks, newspapers, even by word of mouth. All it can take is a few misplaced words, and there is a danger that many people may not look passed those words, to the truth behind them. I feel, there’s too much corruption in the world to think that, this Coronavirus is the only thing to worry about. In my opinion, I feel there’s likely to be something underlying this virus which is what we’re being led to against our will, and awareness. I feel, if you look deep enough, there are too many factors which can, and probably already has, led to manipulation. Take for example, the need to purchase toilet rolls, where did that idea come from, did someone put that into people’s minds through subliminal messages? This is what I’m talking about. People may not even be aware of what is being done to them…
Pictorial expression
I feel the image I used at the top of this blog post (https://bit.ly/2TVmmGc) is apt, in so many ways, to how I feel. I don’t simply look to the immediate, I tend to look several steps ahead, and that’s where I often feel like the black sheep. I don’t mind questioning the world around me. I feel it’s healthy, after all, the world has proven, time and time again, over it’s history, that there are darker forces at work out there, and it can often take a keen eye to take notice of them. There are times when it can take us longer than others to come to terms with what is truly happening out there. There are times when people are unable to understand. Sometimes I wonder, about that saying, ‘Ignorance is bliss’. To be quite honest with you, there are times I’m wondering about sayings like that. I mean, feeling alone, lonely, isolated and trapped as I do, I can’t become ignorant. Once you learn the truth, there’s no way you can hide it away, you’re always going to be aware of it, no matter where you go, or what you do. If something hostile were masked before you, but you knew it was hostile, but the person beside you didn’t, what do you do if they defend the hostility, without knowing? I find, that in itself is the biggest question of them all… I fear there are too many people who are unaware of the dangers out there, and willingly fall from metaphorical cliffs without acknowledging they’re there…
Being myself, and exhaustion
I am myself, I stay true to myself, but too often I’ve noticed people feel they need to ‘mask’ and ‘pass’. Well, my situation is more complicated than that. You see, I’ve been through my own form of emotional trauma, and as a result, I ended up with churned emotions deep down inside. They began rising to the surface in expressive writing. I write exactly how I feel, exactly how I am. Everything I write is true to who I am, and my feelings. That can be a mixed blessing, depending on who you’re writing to of course. I have always had difficulty writing to multiple people at once. I’m not able to condense my writing, but it takes a lot of energy all the same. I always end up with writer’s block before too long, and I have to build up to the next feat in writing. My drive for writing doesn’t come all at once.
Emotional shock
Over years, I was not always open about my feelings, there was a time when I bottled my pain up inside. Bullying is what caused my feelings to be bottled up, but one of the biggest events of my early teen years, was an experience of total shock, well, there were several moments of shock I experienced back then. However; one of the key points of shock arrived as a result of the person I was mentioning in my comment on Quincy’s blog post. There was one girl, through her friends, who admitted to me she had a crush on me. Now, for me at the time, as a teenage boy, who always felt alienated, isolated, trapped, alone and lonely, you’d think it would be a Godsend, wouldn’t you? Well, it may well have done, if I’d not been hurt a few years earlier due to bullying, of the emotional kind. Taking advantage of my earlier vulnerability and innocence. I didn’t think girls wanted to get to know me at all, until years later, when I went through an additional shock, but there was nothing I could do, I was under too much anxiety at the time.
Chain reaction and conviction
What I experienced in my life has been a chain reaction, one relating to the another, relating to another, and so on… It can really brutalise your inner psyche, to such a degree that you don’t know where the genuine are from the false… I feel, I’m only likely to find the true, if I remain true to myself too. Who wishes to find false people? I know I certainly don’t. Personally, I feel we all deserve our true selves. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed the outside world doesn’t tend to agree with me… I can’t change who I am, I am who I am, and I only wish others would accept me for who I am… Since writing is my strength, and due to my immense anxiety, even to the point of agoraphobia, due to my traumas, to the outside world, it drove me to the internet to communicate.
The internet world can be chaotic
The internet can be a world of it’s own, I’ve written to all sorts of people on the internet, it’s not been a pleasant experience. There have also been some people on the autistic spectrum who have caused me traumas as well… We live in a very mixed up world, in more ways than one, I’ve written to people on the autistic spectrum who have tried to manipulate, and organisations who are supposed to support individuals on the autistic spectrum who have also tried to manipulate… One chain reaction after another. It can really open your eyes to what’s really going on out there… Abuse can come from many different sources, even from those on the autistic spectrum too… Life has an unfortunate way of kicking you when you’re suffering the most, I’ve witnessed that for myself. Just when you didn’t think it could get much worse, oh no, you’re mistaken, it just has…
Compassion and clashing
Yes, well, when it comes to dedication. I always thought, if I put enough effort into a social experience, that in the end, it could grow into something greater, but I’ve witnessed for myself, that it isn’t always the case. There are some people who just will not acknowledge that dedication. Unfortunately, there are times when affection, care and time, just cannot penetrate into the heart of those you care about, then you find yourself stabbed in the back, and left to fend for yourself, alone… That has been my experiences. There are times I’ve said to myself, why did it have to be this person I spend all my time, dedication and affection to? Why couldn’t it have been this person, or that, why did it have to be someone who has no emotional feeling? What did I spend all those years caring for? A robot? Was I considered to be a robot? What am I, a worn out shoe to be discarded on the scrap heap when they’re finished with you? These are some of feelings circling around my mind. Including, why is it that there are some people out there who just fail to understand the value of companionship and love? What would life be if love didn’t exist in the world? What is love? People have different opinions on what the word means, but from my own experience, it can be salvation. Compassion, care, love, understanding, the ability to relate to another, these are some of the traits I feel many people out there have lost. The basic makeup of consciousness that make us who we are. They give us all a conscience.
Trauma can come from many different sources, and it can come from the differences between people as well. I’ve witnessed how two people’s ideals can totally and utterly clash with one another’s, and can led to further trauma. Everyone has a breaking point, everyone has a topic or notion in their lives where something can just snap inside them, and they can’t take it anymore, they breakdown and spiral into endless despair. That’s where the healing hand of compassion can make the world of a difference. There have been one or two times where I was almost there, and it was cruelly robbed from under me, never to return again. There was nothing I could do to stop it; they were out of my hands.
The gentle knife strike
Even if it takes a long time to get to know someone, through dedication, attentiveness, care and understanding. A female in my case. When I start to become more open, not only about my feelings towards them themselves, but towards the world around me, then I’ve been through experiences where the written, or spoken, word can be more brutal than you might think. Unfortunately, I’ve written to several people in the past who have the uncanny ability to metaphorically stab you in the back, and do it with a smile on their faces. Experiences like that are unforgettable. It’s called betrayal, and I know A LOT about that feeling, over and over again, in many different ways.
More sayings with multiple meanings
About ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’, well, when you think about it, if you look at the words closely, even voice them to yourself, how many different meanings could you come up with for what they may mean? There are many words, phrases and platitudes which can have multiple meanings, if you begin to analyse them. You may be surprised to find that the meaning you may think at first, may not be the same meaning that someone else is secretly trying to put across to you. Corruption is dangerous, and there are too many people in high places out there who’d choose their words VERY carefully, but direct them in an entirely different way than first thought.
Think about the words, ‘I’m only thinking of what’s BEST for you’, those words really mean, ‘I’m only thinking what I THINK IS BEST for you’, or, to put it more accurately, ‘You’re going to do as I say, whether you like it or not’. Do you see what I mean? People don’t always have affection and care behind the words they say out loud, in their minds’, they may very well have malicious intent in mind. There are too many ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’ out there, especially when you’re taken off guard. That is what a psychopath, con artist or abuser is waiting for, and the moment they catch you vulnerable, they attack. It’s why this world is as chaotic as it is, it’s because there are certain forces out there who are only out to attack us at a moment’s notice, if it’s to support their ultimate agenda, no matter how heinous it may be.
Another saying, it is for the ‘greater good’, who’s ‘greater good’ are we talking about here? What are their ideologies? Whose to say their own ‘greater good’ is just, what if it’s something you feel deep down inside is immoral? How would you know, if you don’t question it first? Knowledge is the difference between following blindly, and acknowledging the truth to be several steps ahead. In a world like this, I feel you need to be able to think several steps ahead, because I find it has a nasty way of biting you in the back when you least expect it. Mind you, I’ve still had awareness, and still been stabbed in the back, but is it better to be aware of the knife coming towards you to have a chance of diverting it away, or do you just choose to let it penetrate? That’s the question.
Lost in an Alien World 